Palmistry, Prophecy, Prognostication: How Como Interprets the Future

Whether you’d like to believe it or not, Nostradamus was a G in the predictions department. He is credited for loosely predicting future events like the rise of Hitler, the Challenger shuttle explosion, and even 9-11. The truth is, making predictions and soothsaying are not as mystifying and supernatural as one may be lead to believe. In fact, it seems even Nostradamus had a system for predicting events, for example most of his predictions are generally characterized by rock imagery. In this way, rocks can be used to represent more than one thing , or anything for that matter. Hitler was a rock rising from Western Europe, the Challenger Space Ship was a rock descending through air, and 9-11 “two great rocks will war for a long time” obviously an allusion to the U.S. and the Middle East.

This brings me to the latest buzz surrounding Lance Armstrong’s medal-stripping scandal, due to his use of performance enhancing drugs that undoubtedly gave him an edge and solidified his otherwise illustrious seven cycling gold medals, striking a dark cloud over not only the competitive sports world, but also the sanctity of sportsmanship and recreation as a basis for good in society.

I will predict that years from now, after the dust has settled and Lance Armstrong is reduced to nothing but a bad dream and sour memory, he will resurface and interest will be revitalized for Lance Armstrong redemption. You see, here in America we love a good cinderella story. We love to hear about people who overcome great hardship to succeed either for the sake of the person’s reputation or for more selfish, nostalgic reasons. Either way, I see Lance making a big comeback later down the road, maybe a 30 for 30 special on ESPN or some Bryant Gumbel “feel good” sports documentary that really digs deeper than anyone ever wants to go. You watch, it’ll happen.

I’ll put hypothetical money down on a hypothetical table and say that you could use rock imagery to unknowingly predict any series of hypothetical events. In the case of Lance Armstrong, Nostradamus would say something to the effect of, “A man with one rock in his shorts will ride through the mountains, find gold, and later crash thunderously into the ground never to be seen again until another man named Gumbel lights a candle.” I urge all of you Comosapiens at home to create your own Nostradamus-rock predictions. You can send submissions to our Social Media Intern

So what other predictions can we make now that we know where to look and how to craft our prediction? Below I have provided a list of personal predictions I’ve made accompanied by great rock imagery. Enjoy.

Paulina Gretsky will recover her otherwise dubious public persona.

In my July 23rd article, “Papa Don’t Preach: Daddy Issues for Dummies” I explained how Paulina Gretsky was a prime example for someone who possessed all the necessary features of a daddy issues girl. Her reputation in the public sphere is less than respectable and is likened to being somewhere in between a young Drew Barrymore and a bald Britney Spears. She lives the life of a rock star, mooching off the wealth and notoriety of her hockey legend father. Nothing about Paulina spells down to earth, but she sure is easy to identify with if you are female and plan on attending or have attended West Virginia University (enough said).

What about the future?

I can see Paulina doing a number of things, many of which I’m not comfortable with putting in writing. However, I do see her making a comeback in a pretty big way. From rags to riches, Paulina will grow out of her skanky-privileged lifestyle and become our future First Lady. Paulina has never done anything which would give her the credentials to be someone actually famous for something they’ve worked hard to accomplish. That’s what makes Paulina perfect and totally qualified in becoming the First Lady – all she needs to do is marry the right fool.

Nostradamus says:

“A woman with rocks for brains will walk dogs near white houses.”

Dolphins will evolve and compete with humans for earthly dominance.

Dolphins are cool as fuck, simple as that. And once they develop opposable thumbs on their fins, they’ll be the baddest motherfuckers around. Think about it.

What about the future?

This is a theory I’ve been professing for a long time, and believe it wholeheartedly. Eventually, dolphins will evolve to a point where they will control domain over the sea, and we the land. This theory will only come to fruition, however, if we step aside and let the dolphins do their thing without interrupting or sidetracking their intended evolutionary path. Dolphins are smart, quick, and can communicate, which is more than we can say about most humans. It will begin with divers discovering coral drawings, very basic illustrations of cognitive ability, then eventually we’ll be debating and conferencing with dolphins on fishing and zoning permission.

Nostradamus says:

“From the depths of the ocean, rocks with fins will build tools. With these tools, the sea rocks will fight with the land rocks until one set of rocks controls the land and the sea.”

Black men will go back to playing chess

“Mike, I get it. I mean I agreed with Paulina becoming the Presidential First Lady, and the dolphin idea, although flawed in basic logic, still makes sense to me, but black men and chess… that’s like Angelina going back to Billy Bob!” Yes, hypothetical dissenter, I agree with you too. I’ll admit it, this final prediction is more a glimmer of hope than an actual prediction. It’s selfish of me to want black men to revert back to crowding around park benches, night and day, rain or shine, single or married, to play chess for the sake of living to play chess. However, this rapidly disappearing past time still has a chance at surviving. Sacrifices will have to be made, but every good thing in life requires serious compromises.

What about the future?

I predict that Mitt Romney will replace Barack Obama as President of the United States. After taking office, Mitt will replace any programs or facets of life that Obama supported. He will repeal the latest healthcare mandate that seeks to insure all Americans. He will amend the fifteenth amendment making it illegal for minorities to vote. He will also revert our public school system back to segregation, reversing years of work and dedication to equality and civil rights, sending our country back over a hundred years of progress. It is then, when our country is divided and at its most unequal, that black men of all ages will return to the parks and resume playing chess at its highest and most pure level. I am not in favor of this prediction becoming a reality, but I will die a happy man if stone cemented chess board tables will never be vacant again.

Nostradamus impersonating Martin Luther King says:

“I have a dream that one day in parks across the United States, the rocks of former slaves and the rocks of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of chess.”

Michael Gioia


Peeping Tom or: How I Learned to Stop Streaming and Love the Binoculars

People often talk about the “dangers of technology” and how the ever-advancing forms of science, knowledge, and machinery will ultimately doom modern-day society, our youth, and future generations. As an incredibly relevant, yet highly negligible example, please examine the accompanying screenshots, which illustrate how the latest version of Microsoft Word for Mac is dangerous beyond its own competence.

Obviously, this hyphenated or not-hyphenated (not to baby you, but… ironic, right?) dilemma isn’t a huge deal, but, rather, it’s something I needed to point out to further substantiate my point.  And, I fucking love hyphens, so I obviously had to keep “ever-advancing” hy-phen-ated.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that online pornography is incredibly damaging to society and our youth.

No, I don’t think pornography is degrading.  No, I don’t think it promotes abnormal and dangerous sexual behavior.  And, no, I don’t think it represents and encourages misjudgments of morality.

I do, however, think it makes its viewers selfish, lazy, and unmotivated.  In some way or another, you may already agree with this declaration, but allow me to really drive this one home and describe the matter so thoroughly that after you’ve finished reading this article, you’ll be ready to lead a group of mindless picketers through busy city streets screaming for an end of the online distribution of pornography… that is, strictly for the sake of protecting peoples’ sexual creativity and inventiveness, not because of any reasons such as immorality, degradation, or some other nonsense.

Alright, so, let’s dig deeper… Continue reading

Como Does Sake

Just because you’re in Search for Como doesn’t mean you have to smile.

Here’s Matt with a fan at a sake bar in godknowswhere NYC.

The admirer had this to say:

“It was great seeing him, and obviously all my friends and I were completely starstruck, but at the same time it was a little uncomfortable!  He wouldn’t smile for pictures. Not even a half-smile!

And the demands he made!  He insisted that we’d scream (and I mean SCREAM) sake chants and bang on the table as hard as possible each time we’d be about to chug.

He didn’t even do it himself!  He just watched us.  He had so much control.  We all felt like his puppets, and I think that’s exactly what he wanted.  He didn’t even drink the sake…in fact, I’m pretty sure he ordered a gin and tonic.  Who does that at a sake bar? Seriously, who does that?”

As per the fan’s request, I made sure to blur out her face and cover up her name in the above image in order to protect her anonymity.

I know I’m just an intern, and I can’t really speak up and express my opinion, but if she wanted to remain anonymous, it didn’t make much sense for her to have posted this to Facebook for TJ and Mike “like” it.  But, what do I know?


Honey, Don’t Forget the Chains…

Get ready for a kinky generation of women, Comonation.

It seems that as history runs its course, the misinformed, hormonally-imbalanced young women of America seek ways to push the boundaries farther and farther into what is seen as “taboo” to experience a thrill and the high that comes with it. Gone are the days of the 50’s where buying a girl a cream soda at a burger joint and sharing it in your cotton-candy colored convertible was considered a pretty saucy move, one she would gush about to her friends later back home (I picture all cars in the 50’s to be either pink or light blue steel-chasse convertibles or muscle cars.)

At around the same time, smoking became the symbol of the rebellious, bold man, and he was the one the ladies were after. “He looks so deep in thought over there smoking that Lucky Strike, I wonder what his story is…” Bang. Done deal. Her heart is already melting, because all the other guys she’s talked to never inhaled burning tobacco, and that’s just… hot. “Don’t ask me why. Yeah it smells nasty, but he doesn’t give a fuck. I love how he doesn’t give a fuck.” Continue reading

Drinking Ain’t What It Used to Be: The De-Inebriation of Society with Its Dishonorable Alcoholics and Their Partiality towards Substandard Drinks

What are you doing right now?  Seriously, think about it, what exactly are you doing?

Let’s go through it together: You’re on your computer/phone/tablet. You’re using the Internet.  And, you’re searching for Como.

Real cool, bro, get in line…

I think we can all agree that “get in line” was absolutely not the right phrase for the above sentence, but don’t rule queuing up out of the question.  Mike, TJ, and I have spent many hours building up this site with bandwidths upon bandwidths of exclusivity, so if we want you guys to wait out in the cold for a few hours before even catching a glimpse of Como, y’all better not complain.

This making sense?  I mean, it shouldn’t, but back to my point from before: if you’re going to be searching for Como, you better have had as many gin and tonics as I’ve had before starting this explorative writing regarding society’s repulsion towards boozers and the damaging effects this has had for all of us, drinkers and teetotalers alike.  Speaking of “starting this,” let’s get to it.

Okay, so for all our returning devotees, by now, you know all about initiating orgies, calculatedly slaying poon, and communicating with girls afflicted by some degree of daddy issues.  For those unfamiliar with these Como-specific topics, please immediately read our earlier blogs and listen to all our podcasts so that you’re caught up to speed. Continue reading

Papa Don’t Preach: Daddy Issues for Dummies

Chris Rock said it best, “They don’t grade fathers, but if your daughter’s a stripper, you fucked up!” I could easily end this blog post on that note, but I’m feeling really jacked right now so I’ll keep the ball rolling.

How much do you know about daddy issues? I’m going to guess you know less than I do, since I’ll be able to impart you with proven research and up-to-date comprehensive analysis that only someone with accelerated knowledge of the topic can provide. To help out daddy issues victims, offenders, and general enthusiasts, I have compiled a checklist that can help any old schmuck identify daddy issue signs before getting too involved, in the hopes of preventing a dreaded altercation later on.

1.) Is she in need of constant recognition, approval, and or love?

2.) In five years has she been single for less than a month?

3.) Does she have a lot of guy friends, denounces befriending other women, or just acts like one of the guys?

4.) Is she generally fucking crazy?

5.) Does she find stripper poles and clear heel platforms appealing? Continue reading

Matt Lights up the L

Spotted: Como virtuoso, Matt Snyder, racing down the steps to find solace in the L train.

A warm thank you to our dear fan, Jennifer, for sending us this piece of comorazzi, as well as this bit about the experience:

“…It was so amazing seeing one of the Como guys in person.  Matt was just as haughty as I’ve always imagined.  He was dressed in a ton of plaid too, which made me a bit uneasy! I even asked him about it, just jokingly, which I guess Matt took as some sort of insult. He responded by saying, ‘Too much plaid is better than no plaid,’ and then ran down those steps to the train.  It was as if he were feigning for the L train, I don’t know really.  I still don’t understand why he and Mike were so quick to put down New York’s subways, yet praise the L on the most recent podcast. Sometimes it’s better to just be kept guessing, I suppose…”

She’s referring to PODCAST Episode 25 – Old Hispanic Men in Lawn Chairs, but anyway, thanks Jennifer for the email!

Send in your Como pictures, news, etc. to!