Palmistry, Prophecy, Prognostication: How Como Interprets the Future

Whether you’d like to believe it or not, Nostradamus was a G in the predictions department. He is credited for loosely predicting future events like the rise of Hitler, the Challenger shuttle explosion, and even 9-11. The truth is, making predictions and soothsaying are not as mystifying and supernatural as one may be lead to believe. In fact, it seems even Nostradamus had a system for predicting events, for example most of his predictions are generally characterized by rock imagery. In this way, rocks can be used to represent more than one thing , or anything for that matter. Hitler was a rock rising from Western Europe, the Challenger Space Ship was a rock descending through air, and 9-11 “two great rocks will war for a long time” obviously an allusion to the U.S. and the Middle East.

This brings me to the latest buzz surrounding Lance Armstrong’s medal-stripping scandal, due to his use of performance enhancing drugs that undoubtedly gave him an edge and solidified his otherwise illustrious seven cycling gold medals, striking a dark cloud over not only the competitive sports world, but also the sanctity of sportsmanship and recreation as a basis for good in society.

I will predict that years from now, after the dust has settled and Lance Armstrong is reduced to nothing but a bad dream and sour memory, he will resurface and interest will be revitalized for Lance Armstrong redemption. You see, here in America we love a good cinderella story. We love to hear about people who overcome great hardship to succeed either for the sake of the person’s reputation or for more selfish, nostalgic reasons. Either way, I see Lance making a big comeback later down the road, maybe a 30 for 30 special on ESPN or some Bryant Gumbel “feel good” sports documentary that really digs deeper than anyone ever wants to go. You watch, it’ll happen.

I’ll put hypothetical money down on a hypothetical table and say that you could use rock imagery to unknowingly predict any series of hypothetical events. In the case of Lance Armstrong, Nostradamus would say something to the effect of, “A man with one rock in his shorts will ride through the mountains, find gold, and later crash thunderously into the ground never to be seen again until another man named Gumbel lights a candle.” I urge all of you Comosapiens at home to create your own Nostradamus-rock predictions. You can send submissions to our Social Media Intern

So what other predictions can we make now that we know where to look and how to craft our prediction? Below I have provided a list of personal predictions I’ve made accompanied by great rock imagery. Enjoy.

Paulina Gretsky will recover her otherwise dubious public persona.

In my July 23rd article, “Papa Don’t Preach: Daddy Issues for Dummies” I explained how Paulina Gretsky was a prime example for someone who possessed all the necessary features of a daddy issues girl. Her reputation in the public sphere is less than respectable and is likened to being somewhere in between a young Drew Barrymore and a bald Britney Spears. She lives the life of a rock star, mooching off the wealth and notoriety of her hockey legend father. Nothing about Paulina spells down to earth, but she sure is easy to identify with if you are female and plan on attending or have attended West Virginia University (enough said).

What about the future?

I can see Paulina doing a number of things, many of which I’m not comfortable with putting in writing. However, I do see her making a comeback in a pretty big way. From rags to riches, Paulina will grow out of her skanky-privileged lifestyle and become our future First Lady. Paulina has never done anything which would give her the credentials to be someone actually famous for something they’ve worked hard to accomplish. That’s what makes Paulina perfect and totally qualified in becoming the First Lady – all she needs to do is marry the right fool.

Nostradamus says:

“A woman with rocks for brains will walk dogs near white houses.”

Dolphins will evolve and compete with humans for earthly dominance.

Dolphins are cool as fuck, simple as that. And once they develop opposable thumbs on their fins, they’ll be the baddest motherfuckers around. Think about it.

What about the future?

This is a theory I’ve been professing for a long time, and believe it wholeheartedly. Eventually, dolphins will evolve to a point where they will control domain over the sea, and we the land. This theory will only come to fruition, however, if we step aside and let the dolphins do their thing without interrupting or sidetracking their intended evolutionary path. Dolphins are smart, quick, and can communicate, which is more than we can say about most humans. It will begin with divers discovering coral drawings, very basic illustrations of cognitive ability, then eventually we’ll be debating and conferencing with dolphins on fishing and zoning permission.

Nostradamus says:

“From the depths of the ocean, rocks with fins will build tools. With these tools, the sea rocks will fight with the land rocks until one set of rocks controls the land and the sea.”

Black men will go back to playing chess

“Mike, I get it. I mean I agreed with Paulina becoming the Presidential First Lady, and the dolphin idea, although flawed in basic logic, still makes sense to me, but black men and chess… that’s like Angelina going back to Billy Bob!” Yes, hypothetical dissenter, I agree with you too. I’ll admit it, this final prediction is more a glimmer of hope than an actual prediction. It’s selfish of me to want black men to revert back to crowding around park benches, night and day, rain or shine, single or married, to play chess for the sake of living to play chess. However, this rapidly disappearing past time still has a chance at surviving. Sacrifices will have to be made, but every good thing in life requires serious compromises.

What about the future?

I predict that Mitt Romney will replace Barack Obama as President of the United States. After taking office, Mitt will replace any programs or facets of life that Obama supported. He will repeal the latest healthcare mandate that seeks to insure all Americans. He will amend the fifteenth amendment making it illegal for minorities to vote. He will also revert our public school system back to segregation, reversing years of work and dedication to equality and civil rights, sending our country back over a hundred years of progress. It is then, when our country is divided and at its most unequal, that black men of all ages will return to the parks and resume playing chess at its highest and most pure level. I am not in favor of this prediction becoming a reality, but I will die a happy man if stone cemented chess board tables will never be vacant again.

Nostradamus impersonating Martin Luther King says:

“I have a dream that one day in parks across the United States, the rocks of former slaves and the rocks of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of chess.”

Michael Gioia



Papa Don’t Preach: Daddy Issues for Dummies

Chris Rock said it best, “They don’t grade fathers, but if your daughter’s a stripper, you fucked up!” I could easily end this blog post on that note, but I’m feeling really jacked right now so I’ll keep the ball rolling.

How much do you know about daddy issues? I’m going to guess you know less than I do, since I’ll be able to impart you with proven research and up-to-date comprehensive analysis that only someone with accelerated knowledge of the topic can provide. To help out daddy issues victims, offenders, and general enthusiasts, I have compiled a checklist that can help any old schmuck identify daddy issue signs before getting too involved, in the hopes of preventing a dreaded altercation later on.

1.) Is she in need of constant recognition, approval, and or love?

2.) In five years has she been single for less than a month?

3.) Does she have a lot of guy friends, denounces befriending other women, or just acts like one of the guys?

4.) Is she generally fucking crazy?

5.) Does she find stripper poles and clear heel platforms appealing? Continue reading

Independence from Ignorance Day: July 4th, 2012

Don’t try explaining to @kclovesya @LucasDargis or @VanSummers that they are assholes, because they simply won’t understand what you mean. They are the kind of people that lack any basic individualistic capacity, so they lurch onto the nearest source of life and suck the blood dry from the vein of creative integrity and honesty. They lack any basis of originality. They are the kind of people that will hear a joke, and then retell it with false ownership. The worst part is – they are ignorant and misinformed. Let me try to recreate @LucasDargis’ thought process before confidently posting what now makes him look like a complete moron: Continue reading

Like, He’s So Mysterious… I Think I Wanna Bang Him.

Mystery, my Comosapiens, is the key to success, happiness, and eventual coitus. Not everyone has the ability to be mysterious, though, which leaves the unfortunate ones to live a life full of transparency, truthfulness, and the subsequent shame that comes with being “easy to read.” I’ve swooned many women and broken even more hearts, and I owe it all to my enigmatic personality. I have been given awards and job offers for talents and qualifications I simply do not possess. The three members of Como have pulled more tail than slow kids at the petting zoo, and we owe it all to our mystique that comes from mystery.

Don’t believe the bullshit that people will create as propaganda against mysterious people who say things like, “Oh he’s just mysterious to hide the fact he’s shy” or, “this whole mystery thing is getting boring and old” because you know it isn’t. You are just jealous. At any rate, I have compiled a list of easy suggestions and tips to help you become more successful. Here are my top six tips. “Why six?” because you gotta keep ’em guessing. Continue reading

Como vs. Yahoo

Yahoo News is undoubtedly the NY Post to Google News’ NY Times. I mean this in an ambivalent way, because it is easy to condemn Yahoo News for producing preposterous material like, “The Eight Outfits Men Love On Women” or how they make a headline out of D’Angelo’s reappearance on-stage after twelve years of who knows what. Even so, they still are able to dish out some gems like detailed accounts of the ‘Shotgun Mother’ and their belated vilification of distracted driving – laughable, because the issue has been around for a pretty long time now. It’s really just a search engine tabloid. The Yahoo News-feed gives you thirty five stories to flip through, which you must certainly choose at your own risk. A few of the articles are real bummers, and don’t live up to the sensational hook they pitch you. For example, I went to Anne Harding’s riveting and ever-so important treatise on the “Best and Worst Hotdogs” and found the list to be highly deplorable. We get it Anne. You want us to buy tofu hotdogs and make us hate every minute of our meals, because we took your moronic advice and look where it got us. Shame on you, Anne Harding. I’ll never cite you as a credible source on meat at a cocktail party ever again. Don’t get fooled like I did, make sure you are vigilant about which Yahoo articles you decide to make life choices with, and denounce Anne Harding as a believable pundit of pith, provender, or poultry. Continue reading

Forest Boy: Revealed

Comosapiens, it’s time we got real with you. You could consult other publications that are covering the ‘Forest Boy’ story – the tale of a young man, who has resurfaced in Berlin after an alleged five year stint in the woods, but you’d simply be getting lied to. ‘News and Media’ sources are going to pitch you the story just like they told you we landed a man on the moon. They will place Forest Boy next to Ben Franklin’s discovery of fluid electrical currents in all our children’s history books. It’s simply not fair, and it is time we told you some of the truth, at least what we think you can handle. Continue reading

Michael’s Adventures in India

Devoted Comosapien, Michael Gioia is in Bangalore, India doing what some would call the unthinkable. He has stepped away from mainstream life, and deconstructed all familiar forms of reality. Now, what he has given us, is a continuing edition of his extensive travels through the country – an insider’s look into the new frontier: Como has gone Globo.

“In everything he writes, Gioia’s sympathy for and knowledge of India shines through… He is, indeed, incomparable among foreign observers of that bewildering, maddening, utterly enchanting medley of peoples” – The Dalai Lama