Whether you’d like to believe it or not, Nostradamus was a G in the predictions department. He is credited for loosely predicting future events like the rise of Hitler, the Challenger shuttle explosion, and even 9-11. The truth is, making predictions and soothsaying are not as mystifying and supernatural as one may be lead to believe. In fact, it seems even Nostradamus had a system for predicting events, for example most of his predictions are generally characterized by rock imagery. In this way, rocks can be used to represent more than one thing , or anything for that matter. Hitler was a rock rising from Western Europe, the Challenger Space Ship was a rock descending through air, and 9-11 “two great rocks will war for a long time” obviously an allusion to the U.S. and the Middle East.
This brings me to the latest buzz surrounding Lance Armstrong’s medal-stripping scandal, due to his use of performance enhancing drugs that undoubtedly gave him an edge and solidified his otherwise illustrious seven cycling gold medals, striking a dark cloud over not only the competitive sports world, but also the sanctity of sportsmanship and recreation as a basis for good in society.
I will predict that years from now, after the dust has settled and Lance Armstrong is reduced to nothing but a bad dream and sour memory, he will resurface and interest will be revitalized for Lance Armstrong redemption. You see, here in America we love a good cinderella story. We love to hear about people who overcome great hardship to succeed either for the sake of the person’s reputation or for more selfish, nostalgic reasons. Either way, I see Lance making a big comeback later down the road, maybe a 30 for 30 special on ESPN or some Bryant Gumbel “feel good” sports documentary that really digs deeper than anyone ever wants to go. You watch, it’ll happen.
I’ll put hypothetical money down on a hypothetical table and say that you could use rock imagery to unknowingly predict any series of hypothetical events. In the case of Lance Armstrong, Nostradamus would say something to the effect of, “A man with one rock in his shorts will ride through the mountains, find gold, and later crash thunderously into the ground never to be seen again until another man named Gumbel lights a candle.” I urge all of you Comosapiens at home to create your own Nostradamus-rock predictions. You can send submissions to our Social Media Intern email@example.com
So what other predictions can we make now that we know where to look and how to craft our prediction? Below I have provided a list of personal predictions I’ve made accompanied by great rock imagery. Enjoy.
Paulina Gretsky will recover her otherwise dubious public persona.
In my July 23rd article, “Papa Don’t Preach: Daddy Issues for Dummies” I explained how Paulina Gretsky was a prime example for someone who possessed all the necessary features of a daddy issues girl. Her reputation in the public sphere is less than respectable and is likened to being somewhere in between a young Drew Barrymore and a bald Britney Spears. She lives the life of a rock star, mooching off the wealth and notoriety of her hockey legend father. Nothing about Paulina spells down to earth, but she sure is easy to identify with if you are female and plan on attending or have attended West Virginia University (enough said).
I can see Paulina doing a number of things, many of which I’m not comfortable with putting in writing. However, I do see her making a comeback in a pretty big way. From rags to riches, Paulina will grow out of her skanky-privileged lifestyle and become our future First Lady. Paulina has never done anything which would give her the credentials to be someone actually famous for something they’ve worked hard to accomplish. That’s what makes Paulina perfect and totally qualified in becoming the First Lady – all she needs to do is marry the right fool.
“A woman with rocks for brains will walk dogs near white houses.”
Dolphins will evolve and compete with humans for earthly dominance.
Dolphins are cool as fuck, simple as that. And once they develop opposable thumbs on their fins, they’ll be the baddest motherfuckers around. Think about it.
This is a theory I’ve been professing for a long time, and believe it wholeheartedly. Eventually, dolphins will evolve to a point where they will control domain over the sea, and we the land. This theory will only come to fruition, however, if we step aside and let the dolphins do their thing without interrupting or sidetracking their intended evolutionary path. Dolphins are smart, quick, and can communicate, which is more than we can say about most humans. It will begin with divers discovering coral drawings, very basic illustrations of cognitive ability, then eventually we’ll be debating and conferencing with dolphins on fishing and zoning permission.
“From the depths of the ocean, rocks with fins will build tools. With these tools, the sea rocks will fight with the land rocks until one set of rocks controls the land and the sea.”
Black men will go back to playing chess
“Mike, I get it. I mean I agreed with Paulina becoming the Presidential First Lady, and the dolphin idea, although flawed in basic logic, still makes sense to me, but black men and chess… that’s like Angelina going back to Billy Bob!” Yes, hypothetical dissenter, I agree with you too. I’ll admit it, this final prediction is more a glimmer of hope than an actual prediction. It’s selfish of me to want black men to revert back to crowding around park benches, night and day, rain or shine, single or married, to play chess for the sake of living to play chess. However, this rapidly disappearing past time still has a chance at surviving. Sacrifices will have to be made, but every good thing in life requires serious compromises.
I predict that Mitt Romney will replace Barack Obama as President of the United States. After taking office, Mitt will replace any programs or facets of life that Obama supported. He will repeal the latest healthcare mandate that seeks to insure all Americans. He will amend the fifteenth amendment making it illegal for minorities to vote. He will also revert our public school system back to segregation, reversing years of work and dedication to equality and civil rights, sending our country back over a hundred years of progress. It is then, when our country is divided and at its most unequal, that black men of all ages will return to the parks and resume playing chess at its highest and most pure level. I am not in favor of this prediction becoming a reality, but I will die a happy man if stone cemented chess board tables will never be vacant again.
“I have a dream that one day in parks across the United States, the rocks of former slaves and the rocks of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of chess.”