Drinking Ain’t What It Used to Be: The De-Inebriation of Society with Its Dishonorable Alcoholics and Their Partiality towards Substandard Drinks

What are you doing right now?  Seriously, think about it, what exactly are you doing?

Let’s go through it together: You’re on your computer/phone/tablet. You’re using the Internet.  And, you’re searching for Como.

Real cool, bro, get in line…

I think we can all agree that “get in line” was absolutely not the right phrase for the above sentence, but don’t rule queuing up out of the question.  Mike, TJ, and I have spent many hours building up this site with bandwidths upon bandwidths of exclusivity, so if we want you guys to wait out in the cold for a few hours before even catching a glimpse of Como, y’all better not complain.

This making sense?  I mean, it shouldn’t, but back to my point from before: if you’re going to be searching for Como, you better have had as many gin and tonics as I’ve had before starting this explorative writing regarding society’s repulsion towards boozers and the damaging effects this has had for all of us, drinkers and teetotalers alike.  Speaking of “starting this,” let’s get to it.

Okay, so for all our returning devotees, by now, you know all about initiating orgies, calculatedly slaying poon, and communicating with girls afflicted by some degree of daddy issues.  For those unfamiliar with these Como-specific topics, please immediately read our earlier blogs and listen to all our podcasts so that you’re caught up to speed.

Although we’ve covered all of these subjects, in enormous detail, mind you, there hasn’t been too much closure as to how they all relate.  Admittedly, I am absolutely eating up this opportunity to be the guy to connect the dots, so without any further anticipation: DRINKING.  Not “drinking,” not “eh, drinking?,” and most certainly not “wait, drinking?”  You read it correctly the first time: DRINKING.

We often look at guys like The Amazing Criswell as the almighty predictors of the future, but why doesn’t anyone hold a dude like Humphrey Bogart to the same degree?  Bogie, himself, said, “The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” He even said this in his heyday, which was way more fearless than ours.  How much of a boozer must you have been to say that all the other alcoholics in the 40’s and 50’s weren’t drinking enough?

Listen to how bold, or rather, belligerently drunk this era was.  They ignored the shit out of AIDS, had people go door-to-door delivering milk, and got on the phone and called bitches for booty calls, as opposed to the modern-day pussies who mope around and awkwardly text smiley faces in hopes of getting laid.

Now, on to another era that didn’t give a fuck.  Take note of Steve McQueen, here, circa 1963, well-dressed and donning the most stylish sunglasses ever made, threatening all you weak bitches with his swag.  McQueen was such a classy, considerate, autonomous drunk, that, in 1972, he went all the way up to Anchorage, Alaska to drunk drive, just ‘cause he was itchin’ and didn’t want to do it in a crowded place where people would be put in danger.

So, if you don’t think he’s absolutely wasted in this picture, then I proclaim you to be drunk on ignorance.  This was the same dude who slurred, “I live for myself and I answer to nobody” after taking a swig of bourbon and making the audacious left on red that got him pulled over in the first place.  But anyway, he’s just the archetype for this forgotten era of sloppy bastards who still didn’t give a fuck about AIDS, decided to put the milk right next to cases of beer in grocery store refrigerators, and popularized the answering machine so they could assure that their bitches would get their messages one way or another.

Now look at us.  Not necessarily you and me, but our society.  We’re tricked into thinking that we can only drink on the weekends, after work, or, otherwise, in generally specific situations like when we’re hitting on pretty girls and need to be as loose as they are. (How’s that for word play?)

Okay, sure, McQueen and Bogart were probably pretty drunk when talking to their lady friends, but, remember, those were the days when fellas weren’t insecure and looking for unrestrained comfortability.  Their women were in line.  A woman would never impose drink orders on their man.  No shitty vodka was to be had, no daiquiris, and certainly no “Skinnygirl.”

In fact, these women weren’t even afforded input, let alone actual decision making in regards to ordering drinks.  The men made all the big decisions, and when the men demanded gin rickeys or scotch on the rocks, the women either obliged or they weren’t partying.  I don’t want to play the blame game, but sure seems like the gender equality movement indirectly dropped the ball on these fundamental principles on which alcoholism was established.

This isn’t completely unfounded.  Think about flavored vodka.  I can’t do all the research for you, but believe me when I say that vodka companies’ introduction and distribution of new flavors of vodka are directly proportionate to the acceptance of women in the workplace and related hierarchal social circles.  This has been going on since before Bogart’s day.  It’s basically science.

I realize I may have spewed too much information on you guys all at once, but, essentially, what I’m saying is that we’re going downhill.  We’re taking ourselves too seriously, and everyone’s too busy trying to make everyone else happy.  Whether this is by companies coming out with an overabundance of flavor-specific alcohol options, or by society succumbing to these shitty options, or, god forbid, intermingling these artificially flavored alcohols with naturally flavored mixers, we’re really just setting ourselves up for even more failure.

Men can no longer show up to the workplace, whiskey dick in hand, ready to slap their female coworkers in inappropriate places.  But rather, these guys must come to work straight-faced, suited-up, and willing to be respectably productive.

Today, drunk homeless guys are looked at as nonsensical, screaming menaces, rather than the calmly silent, humorous exhibits of public scrutinization for which they were once lauded:

And, lastly, we now have 12-step-recovery programs designed to help individuals wean off the bottle, all while often being assisted by some sort of sponsor.

Are we all just trying to be friends?  Is that what it’s about?  Today’s society calls for an appropriate work environment, forcedly harmonious drink orders over contrived conversation in bars, as well as once-drunkard life coaches suppressing others’ consumption of what was once liquid amusement.

I hope you followed me throughout this, and, furthermore, acknowledge and understand my point of view on this fragile issue.  We’re reaching a societal standstill and sooner than later, we’ll all realize just how lame and uncool we’ve let ourselves become.

We’re now familiar with and stress over AIDS, scour grocery refrigerators for organic, homogenized milk, and text and tweet at our desired sexual targets, while shamefully inquiring about possible dates and late-night visits.  What kinda fun is that?

“The King of Cool,” himself, Steve McQueen went on to say, “I would rather wake up in the middle of nowhere than in any city on earth.” Sure sounds like the type of hangover we all need to get us back on track.

All the best,

Matt
@mtsnyda

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3 thoughts on “Drinking Ain’t What It Used to Be: The De-Inebriation of Society with Its Dishonorable Alcoholics and Their Partiality towards Substandard Drinks

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