Chris Rock said it best, “They don’t grade fathers, but if your daughter’s a stripper, you fucked up!” I could easily end this blog post on that note, but I’m feeling really jacked right now so I’ll keep the ball rolling.
How much do you know about daddy issues? I’m going to guess you know less than I do, since I’ll be able to impart you with proven research and up-to-date comprehensive analysis that only someone with accelerated knowledge of the topic can provide. To help out daddy issues victims, offenders, and general enthusiasts, I have compiled a checklist that can help any old schmuck identify daddy issue signs before getting too involved, in the hopes of preventing a dreaded altercation later on.
1.) Is she in need of constant recognition, approval, and or love?
2.) In five years has she been single for less than a month?
3.) Does she have a lot of guy friends, denounces befriending other women, or just acts like one of the guys?
4.) Is she generally fucking crazy?
5.) Does she find stripper poles and clear heel platforms appealing?
Now let’s play hardball. If the girl you had in mind was found guilty of at least three of the five, she is most certainly a carrier of the daddy issue virus. Not credible enough for you? I have also created an easy-to-follow taxonomy on the different species of daddy issues one may encounter in this biologically rich and skanky world we call Earth.
1.) Daddy’s Girl – she takes offense to comments made about her father that could be skewed as jabs or jokes. She often references her dad in conversation, even if it is irrelevant.
2.) Deadbeat Dad – dad wasn’t around much or at all. This isn’t funny, I know, but it’s important to note. She often tries to fill her void with men, even after being told it’s a bad idea and in no way a solution to ones problems.
3.) Dirty Daddy – so dad was a bit of hound dog. He ruined mommy’s life by sleeping around town with all sorts of women, and what does his daughter do in retaliation? Strip. Doesn’t seem congruous but I assure you, one is absolutely contingent upon the other. She’s not doing it to pay for college, she’s doing it to get back at pappy.
4.) Passive Papa – unfortunately, some dads are emotionally absent from their daughters lives. They can’t relate to Justin Bieber and think Magellan is a way better role model. To these dads, Basketball means more than Ballet so daughters feel they will never fit into their dad’s frame of mind or attention. Results are super pushy, dominant seeking workaholics who party hard and work harder for the money, honey.
So we’ve defined the warning signs, and identified the types, now “what is left” you say? To be honest I hate answering FAQs, but the final step of my Daddy Issues for Dummies is to pick out some of the most famous examples of daddy issues throughout the years and pinpoint the destructive behaviors that made them infamous. Here’s my Top 4.
1.) Paulina Gretzky
– She’s the daughter of the “Great One” Wayne Gretzky. I am sure any hockey loving individual would kill to have Wayne as a dad, but apparently he missed the goal in this department. Both Wayne and his daughter Paulina are prolific ‘scorers’ from what their records reveal. Just search her name in any image search engine and the results will typically involve her cuddling up next to studs with champagne glasses and the occasional party animal dressed as Captain America. It’s not cool anymore when you play the “loose college girl” persona past your college years, but what else would make her relevant to anyone besides her name? “Mike, are you saying, and this might be a presumptious assertion, but do you mean that Paulina is acting out in rejection of living in the shadow of her father?” Yeah douche, that’s what I’m saying.
2.) Montana Fishburne
– Where some would love to have Wayne Gretsky as a dad, I would much prefer actor Laurence Fishburne, who in my opinion, played the single greatest black father in his role as Furious in “Boyz N the Hood.” Regardless, he also must have done something wrong or nothing at all to make Montana the second choice on my list. When she was 19 she was featured in an epic hour long hardcore scene from the critically acclaimed PHATTYS RHYMES & DIMES 14, with co-star Brian Pumper. Okay, so it’s not the Matrix, but to be on the fourteenth PHATTYS RHYMES & DIMES must count for something.
3.) Lisa Sparxxx
– Lisa may be the sigle craziest person allowed to be seen naked on film. She makes my list, because I think she has been trying to fill a void that is the lack of a sufficient paternal model in her life. Remember how I said girls with daddy issues tend to fill voids with men? Well on October 16th, 2004 in Warsaw, Poland she achieved the world gang-bang record for having intercourse with 919 men. Now that, my friends, is taking a void you feel and filling it with 919 men that ultimately represent Lisa’s dad. You know the old joke how many Polacks does it take to fill the void of a porn star left over from an unfulfilling childhood? 919.
4.) Sylvia Plath
– Sylvia, at least in academic or literary circles, is the single most famous daddy issue girl. I’ll leave it to her widely-read poem titled, “Daddy” (1962) to let you know why she made the list:
“If I’ve killed one man, I’ve killed two–
The vampire who said he was you
And drank my blood for a year,
Seven years, if you want to know.
Daddy, you can lie back now.
There’s a stake in your fat black heart
And the villagers never liked you.
They are dancing and stamping on you.
They always knew it was you.
Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I’m through.”
It’s difficult to calculate or quantify how much dads are to blame for daddy issue behavior. A girl, typically, could have had a generally happy and care-free childhood and still be the girl getting body shots taken off her at the bar. And no one is saying that’s a bad thing, I mean fuck yeah, your body is shaped perfectly to allow others to drink out of, why should you be scrutinized for something so perfect?
I guess what I am getting at here is that I am a big brother and future father. I spend nights restlessly hoping and praying that my sister and prospective daughter grow up to become nothing like 70-75% of the girls I know or have known. I hope they can find within themselves the strength to be independent and self-respectful. I hope they never rely on a boy to become the source of their temporary longing for companionship. I hope they dress and behave in a way that equally reflects both their inner and outer beauty. I hope they become all they can be, strive for their ultimate potential, and be smart enough to not end up on some witty, cunning, and handsome bloggers website.
The Notorious MFG