I’ve spoken personally to nearly all of the hundreds of thousands of you so I know that we are all on the same page on this one…
We don’t like this guy.
Not even a little bit.
But that’s not really my intention in writing this. I write to confess my more intensified disapproval of guys like this:
This guy is just one example of the many conceited, moderately-eco-educated, self-identifying intellects who, when out in adult-type social settings, take delight in breaking eye-contact with their average, “throw-away” dates just to sip on their pomegranate sangrias, as they look down at their outfits and mistakenly admire the style of whoever designed Urban Outfitter’s latest catalogue as that of their own.
This is the same guy who gets off to telling people that he works in a very competitive, creative industry. The same guy who can’t contain himself as the Whole Foods cashier rings up his groceries, because he knows that as soon as he gets outside he can watch himself drink his coconut water as he walks past the giant row of reflective glass windows that line the store. The same guy who thinks he’s the wild one Sia is referring to in her featured single “Wild Ones” with Flo Rida, to which this hipster-professional secretly rejoices listening when it ironically sneaks some playtime amongst a playlist of more alternative tracks.
“Now, why Matt, why go after the hipster-professional?”
To that, I give you this. Here’s a promotional video for Google’s “Project Glass,” which helps demonstrate how a hipster-professional would use this new, augmented reality display.
If this video, with its repulsively dim-witted, yet clearly egocentric (unseen) protagonist, his gay (and not like “stupid” gay) hipster-professional, scarf wearing-pussy of an acquaintance, and its so-average-it-must-be-alternative music don’t completely repulse you, then you, my dear reader, are someone with whom I wouldn’t really want to spend too much time.
Anyway, watch this, gather your thoughts, and then come back to discuss. And by discuss, I mean, let me discuss for you.
I’m not crazy into futurism and/or advancing technologies, so just for the sake of a blog post with a sense of direction, I’m going to ignore my criticisms, complaints, and considerations regarding the misguided direction “Project Glass” will soon bring our society.
I do, however, think that Google is a very smart company. It’s pretty undeniable that they’ve come up with some of the coolest shit on the web. I also think that they slyly just pulled one of the most hysterical jokes on hipster-professionals. You’ve got to think that as much as this video is an advertisement for its soon-to-be-released device that is sure to send us into a dystopian nightmare, it’s also an obvious parody on the hipster-professional culture and lifestyle.
Now, if you subscribe to this idea of the video being a rip on hipster-professionals, then you have to take note of precisely how Google views this group of people and how it chose to market to them. The three main characteristics of this group (or at least the men) that Google chose to target had to be: Gay, Self-Involved, and Lazy.
Let’s go over all these, and if you’re not with me yet, you soon will be.
I’ve never seen anyone get so excited to see someone named Monsieur Gayno. If you didn’t really catch the protagonist’s purely unadulterated exhilaration, watch this again and listen to how he slobbers over saying “Monsieur.” His pronunciation is good, and he knows it, which is why he had to say it to himself. This is a bit of a crossover with the upcoming “Self-Involved” bit, but you get it anyways: he loves Gayno.
Who high-fives like this? Not only is it an “above-five,” but they also interlock fingers..? That must’ve been more enjoyable for these two then whatever shitty coffee they got at that truck.
His “date” with this chick consists of her watching him play the ukulele on a rooftop? Pretty selfish, huh? If this girl didn’t tell him everything he did was “beautiful,” then she might actually get taken out to a real date. Don’t count on him taking the glasses off, though.
His selfishness doesn’t stop with his girlfriend. Paul’s his bitch! I’m sure our lead in this video has a jam-packed iCal considering all this ukulele nonsense, but don’t boss your buddy around. C’mon, guy, what if Paul had his own agenda? Paul even went above and beyond to say it was, “Good to see you,” to which our glasses host replies, “Thanks, man.” What an absolute joke. It’s just all about this guy. Regardless, I’m sure Paul would drop everything he was doing just for another groping high-five, but to lead into our next point, I’m sure he wouldn’t be doing much of any real value anyways.
What a lazy bastard. No one else in that store is asking his/her headset where the coveted ukulele book is. I’m sure everyone else either asked an employee or found it on their own like a real trailblazer would.
What’s this guy do all day? He made coffee, went to a bookstore, met up with his buddy, and then played a dumbass jingle on a rooftop. This is just another reason to look down on these hipster-professional types. A reportedly $1500 piece of equipment, and this guy’s proven nothing as to why he deserves it.
And, there you have it. You’ve now learned all about hipster-professionals, and how big-name companies subtly poke fun at them. Now, go out in the world and apply everything you’ve learned.
Don’t hold the door for the fitted jean, v-neck, corduroy blazer-wearing man who has his nose in Emily Bronte’s “Wuthering Heights.” Upstream the hipster-professional who baited a girl to go home with him after meticulously describing his Huey Lewis and the News record collection. And, finally, if you think about it, make sure to hide any books having to do with ukuleles at your neighborhood bookstore… We don’t want anyone getting all high and mighty that they know how to play a few chords on a sunset-drawn rooftop for their beard of a girlfriend.