Mystery, my Comosapiens, is the key to success, happiness, and eventual coitus. Not everyone has the ability to be mysterious, though, which leaves the unfortunate ones to live a life full of transparency, truthfulness, and the subsequent shame that comes with being “easy to read.” I’ve swooned many women and broken even more hearts, and I owe it all to my enigmatic personality. I have been given awards and job offers for talents and qualifications I simply do not possess. The three members of Como have pulled more tail than slow kids at the petting zoo, and we owe it all to our mystique that comes from mystery.
Don’t believe the bullshit that people will create as propaganda against mysterious people who say things like, “Oh he’s just mysterious to hide the fact he’s shy” or, “this whole mystery thing is getting boring and old” because you know it isn’t. You are just jealous. At any rate, I have compiled a list of easy suggestions and tips to help you become more successful. Here are my top six tips. “Why six?” because you gotta keep ’em guessing.
6. Smile When You Shouldn’t – Keep people on their toes about what it is that makes you happy. If you tell people that you enjoy bird watching, and then they take you out to do just that, simply sit there and don’t say a word. Make it seem like you fucking resent the existence of birds, and then when you see one croak or get eaten by a bigger bird, let out a big grin or give a hearty chuckle that will really send the person you are with for an emotional roller coaster.
5. Fluff Your Resume – Nothing kills mystery more than normalcy. Oh, you’ve worked at Best Buy with the other mouth-breathers that can’t help me with my important questions about external hard drives, I am sure you’re a real winner. Say something like, “My days as a longshoreman were grueling, but how else would I have learned how to smuggle cocaine into the country?” When people ask you what you mean or when this happened, simply tell them you’ve, “put that line of work past you,” and that you aren’t, “obliged to go any further.” Fluffing your resume is not lying unless you can back up what it is you are talking about, while still not saying anything at all.
4. Listen To Jazz – This one isn’t for everybody, only the one’s really committed to maintaining mystery at its purest form. Everyone listens to the same crap, so when you say that you like Miles more than Mingus, you’ll really throw a prospective lover for a loop. The key is to sound as pretentious as you can when describing your reasons for liking jazz over other genres.
3. Eye Contact – Keep eye contact to an absolute minimum. If someone is talking to you, don’t give them the benefit of knowing if you are listening or what it is you are thinking exactly.
2. Build A Candle Collection – This one is simple. Go out to Bed Bath and Beyond or anywhere that sells Yankee Candles and purchase the big glass jars of both, “Midsummer’s Night” and “Mountain Lodge.” It is important you go Yankee Candle, or else you’ll be seen as fraud by someone who really knows their candles. Don’t be afraid to mess with the candles in your spare time – it may be helpful to comprise reasons why those two scents are your favorites, although I won’t go into that now as to why I am suggesting you make them your favorites.
So you’ve followed the first five steps, and now you’ve successfully brought a chick home. You smiled when she accidentally farted. You told her very little, but enough, about a year you spent fighting for animal rights in Serbia. You held little, yet crucial amounts eye contact, giving her an idea that you are listening and thinking when you really are not. You turned her pheromones on with a mixture of Midsummer’s Night and Mountain Lodge scents. You left her senseless riding the back of Coltrane’s Blue Train. She made sweet, sweet love to a man she thinks she knows, and now you are ready to give her the ultimate maneuver, the move that will send you into the annals of mysterious greatness, and forever seal your spot in the Enigma Hall of Fame.
1. Buy Them Bagels In The Morning – In the morning, just before she wakes up, slip out of the room and run to the nearest bagel store, breakfast place, or supermarket you can find and buy bagels and spreads. You typically want to buy more than you need, ex. for two people buy a dozen bagels with one pound of butter and cream cheese respectively. When she wakes up, she’ll see you cutting bagels and have a moment more intense than an orgasm. If she’s a “daddy-issue” girl she might break down and start crying to see a male figure be such a positive presence in her life, be careful with those types. Otherwise, she most likely will be witnessing something like this for the first time, and will be flattered to be flowered with such great gifts of bread and dairy. Afterwards, walk her out of your apartment, house, etc. and hail her down some form of car service, even if she drove. Don’t pay for it, just see to it that she’s been picked up safely, and then realize the deed is done. You’ve captured the art of mystery, and you can now bask in your own greatness.